To Hope Or Not To Hope

I find myself at a crossroads. I want someone in my life. I don't want to subject my kids to a stepfather, or worse, another man who may or may not be there forever. I can't compartmentalize my entire life. That would be fair to no one at all.

The kids deserve a real father figure in their lives. And not this 'part-time' joint custody bullshit that our society has come to accept as 'just fine' for kids. It's not 'just fine.' They deserve to have Mommy AND Daddy to tuck them in and kiss them goodnight every night. They deserve the 'example' of having two parents who love each other, who are committed to each other and who are committed to the promises they make to each other.

I don't know what to do. They deserve that example. I can't MAKE their father come back to the family he wanted so badly that he threatened to leave me if I didn't give it to him. And then left anyway once I did. And I deserve the man he promised to be for me.

I can try to find that with someone else. But it's still a risk that not just I have to take. It's a risk my kids have to take, because the next guy could walk out too. And my kids could lose a gamble that they don't even get to make.