So this is frustrating...

Last night's 'chat,' once again... went nowhere.  The same things, over and over and over again.

And the same "I"m tired of hearing" (about the same things, over and over again).

And the 'finale' of the evening was once again, the 'what happens if/when'... and it was all about his job and staying late and getting called in on his day off, and etc, etc, etc.  He said he 'knows' that we will fall into the same old 'patterns' and he doesn't want to.

*Off the cuff thought-  So basically, it sounds to me like what he wants is to always do what he wants, to always get 'his way,' and if I ever don't want whatever it is... it's too bad.  I'll just have to sit there, shut up and tolerate it.  Which is odd, considering that one of his chief complaints is that he's not allowed to voice his opinion.

When he finished, he asked me if I wanted to say anything and I did, and I told him what I thought, that again, with him making more money and me having my own car and more money to do things with, that I think it would be better, and easier.

I also told him that it would be, especially if he took the job in Tampa, and he cut me off and said "it would alleviate all your problems with... " (no names.)

By the way, when I publish this post, it will be four years after he left me to be with the homewrecking whore that I knew was the cause of all this shit even back then... even though he denied and most people believed his denials, and those that didn't believe him, didn't have the guts to tell him that to his face, so fuck it, I'm going to name names.  His name is Shane McGlaun. The homewrecking whore's name is Elizabeth Morton. She goes by Liz. Liz Morton.  The 400lb charging water buffalo with the moral code of a pit viper, the sexually harassing 'boss' that used her position to destroy my marriage.  The fat, ugly, girl no one wanted who was so desperate for attention from a man that she had to prey on a weak-minded married man who was stupid enough to reveal the 'common' marital problems he had to someone with such an obvious agenda.  

When I was done, I said, "I'm done."  He said nothing. I asked him if he wanted to say anything and he said no.  I asked him if he wanted to hold me and he said no.  I asked him why and he said 'patterns.'

I told him that 'love' is not a 'bad' pattern.

He said nothing, did nothing, and then went to sleep.

I honestly don't know what else to do.

I'm trying so hard not to get upset, but he's hurting me so much.

I wish he would just honor his offer to make an 'honest effort.'  I don't believe for a second that he feels no emotional connection to me.  If he didn't, he wouldn't 'need' to 'degrade' me during intimacy to be able to be intimate...

This is so painful for me... because no matter what I've done, I have never behaved so cold and cruelly to him.

I have never denied him love or affection or intimacy.

And it's extremely hurtful to think that I forgave an affair that he admits was his attempt to 'get my attention,' and that he ignores how manipulative that was.