Here's where I am at now...

Completely and utterly confused.

He said he would try.  Then he said he didn't want to. Then he said he would. Then he said he didn't want to. Then he went out.  And stayed overnight in a hotel. Then he said he would try. Then he said he didn't want to. Then he said he would. Then he went out again, and stayed out until 5am, apparently, with yet another woman.  Then he said he would try again.  Then he said he didn't want to again. He said he doesn't like me. Doesn't like who I am. Doesn't like my politics. Then he said he would try. Then he said he didn't want to. Then he said he would. Then he went out again.  And came home and said he would try again. Then we talked.  Then we made compromises and concessions. Then he asked me for a list of 10 things I'd like to do.   Then he didn't want to again. Then he said he wanted to go to counseling. Then on the way he said we were going because I wanted to.  Then he said he was there because we had to save the marriage because it was what I wanted.  Then he said he didn't want to again.  Then he went out again.  And then he went out again, And stayed out all night again.

For 2.5 years, he left me all alone, all the time, with two little kids, no car, no money and no one to talk to but the Internet and Facebook.

And he wonders why I went off the deep end!

And thinks HE has a 'right' to be 'mad' at ME about me going off the deep end.... where is his responsibility for putting me in that position in the first goddamn place?!

He is treating me horribly.  He is cold and cruel.

I suggested one of us move out to the garage, he said he would consider that.  The next day, he just wanted 'out.'

He says he wants to separate, then he says he just wants 'out.'  Then he says he is not unsure about ending the marriage.  Then he says he wants time to get his head straight. Then he says he wants 'out.'

I don't know if I'm coming or going...

Yesterday he said that he needs to 'borrow' the car today.  "Borrow?"  It's OUR car.

Then he says things like "Getting you a car is critical," and "I'm thinking about a bike."

But when I mention "What will you do when it rains?"  He says things like "Well, sometimes, I'll need the car."

Which indicates that he isn't even sure if he's really through with the marriage.

But he's keeping himself so distant, as if he wants all the economical benefits of the marriage and living in the same house, but not the emotional attachment to me as his wife...

And that's bothersome to me because why should I bother to let him have any benefit of my own finances then?

Sure, I'll be getting the benefit of his too, but it's coming at a steep price to me, while not being of any price to him.

This is confusing and tiring.

I told him I wanted another VW diesel, and I gave him my reasons. I need a car that's going to last me the next 10 years.  That gets the best gas mileage possible and is as versatile as possible.  With that car, if I had to deliver newspapers and pizzas to earn a buck, I could.  With that car, I could tow a small trailer and lawn mower, and mow lawns if I had to.

My reasons are legitimate, but when I told him that the auction had one, he yelled at me "You are obsessed with that goddamn car! And what happens when it gets wet again?!"

Well, that's why I have full coverage insurance on it.

I don't deserve this.

I may have said mean things to him over the years... but I have never barraged him with one nasty outburst, or cold shoulder, or degrading and dehumanizing contemptuous attitude, for 3 straight months.

I do not deserve this.

I deserve better.

My kids deserve better.