Sunday, November 15, 2015
The New Single Mom Financial And Emotional Roller Coaster
I know a mood swing when I see one, and for the past 10 days, I've seen more mood swings from my husband than from any Gemini woman going through menopause.
He shows me slivers of 'caring' in a sea of rage and anger.
I bought the book "Save The Marriage" and read it all the way through, taking notes like the conscientious student that I am.
I tried to do what it said, but the more I tried to give 'unconditional love,' and tried to get my husband to have 'fun' with me, the more he rejected me and all my efforts.
And my self-esteem was tanking like Volkswage's October 2015 stock prices.
Here's the gamut of emotional wringers he's put me through in the last 10 days:
I'm not in love with you.
I don't want to be with you.
The marriage was over for me [him] 2 years ago, I just hadn't accepted it.
I don't like you.
I don't like myself with you.
I don't trust myself with you.
I hate myself.
I'm afraid of myself with you.
I'm not attracted to you.
I don't want to touch you.
I just want to comfort you because I know you're in pain because that's my 'nurturing nature'. (YOU'RE THE CAUSE "OF" THE PAIN YOU FUCKING FUCK!)
I don't like sleeping in the bed without you.
-I just said that so you wouldn't sleep on the couch.
I will try.
I don't want to try.
I think we should pay off all our debts and then see where we're at
I want you to get back to work
And treat me like a boarder.
I do love you.
I 'can' put my arms around you.
I want your forgiveness. (For what? 'For being me.')
Lies, half truths, broken promises, betrayal, and adultery... and I've stuck through it all with him. And this is what I get in return.
"I can try to fake it until we get the finances straightened out, but I don't know how much longer I can fake it."
This is the kind of CRAP he's been subjecting me to.
And I'm supposed to 'work' to pay off his royal highness's car, and tires, and electric bill, so he can leave me without feeling guilty about leaving me in a financial bind.
Meanwhile, last night, he got a message from our friend about paying her money towards the car, and he went ballistic!
"Do you realize we're paying $2,500 for that car?!" The $500 we gave her, we took a $700 loan, we still owe her $600, and we owe $450 on the tires?!"
Well, we needed a car. Especially so you could get back and forth to work to get your promotion!
And the tires hardly count toward the cost of the car, and the money we borrowed against the car wasn't to pay for the car... it was to pay bills with the money we used to buy the car.
After a couple of minutes he calmed down and admitted that he knows why we had to do what we did.
But this was also after he found me texting with someone I'd met on Craigslist when I was looking for something to do and someone to do it with last night, when all he wanted to do was zone out to his video games and ignore me after having told me at dinner to 'pay off our debts and see where we're at,' and then after dinner told me to get to work...
My mom takes the kids every other Saturday and Sunday. I'm tired of wasting my child free nights, sitting at home, twiddling my thumbs, while my overgrown man child of a husband ignores me for video games... and especially now after 10 days of being told how unwanted, undesired and unattractive I am.
I wanted to get out and if he didn't want to go with me, I would find someone who would.
But that seemed to have pissed him off.
And I want to know what fucking right he thinks he has to be pissed off about it?
When I sent my pic to the guy I was texting so we would know who each other are when we met up to go out, that guy replied- "You're a good looking woman."
I needed that boost of self-esteem last night.
After the number my husband has done on it the past 10 days.
And all his 'excuses' for why 'the marriage was over 2 years ago' are so utterly preposterous...
Because I wouldn't let him work more than 40 hours- when he worked 70 hours, I couldn't work. When he worked only 40 I could. And in the end, we wound up making more money with him at 40 and me working than we did with him working 70.
The math did not lie. The numbers made it clear.
But he's still pissy that he couldn't work more than 40.
Now suddenly, he hates himself for making me so 'co-dependent' on him. Suddenly, he stopped being attracted to me because he was doing 'everything' around the house.
Only that wasn't true either. What happened was that every time I did do my part to help out around the house, he completely stopped doing ANY of HIS part! I would do ALL the dishes, except the big pots and pans, and I'd ask him to do those. He wouldn't. Those pots and pans would sit on that damn kitchen counter for a week!
So I don't know where all of this is really coming from at all. And frankly, I'm sick of being his emotional punching bag over whatever it is.
He's reached out and grasped for so many straws to justify his actions, all which can be proven false (and have been, numerous times)...
He took this promotion, he's with that whore all the time now, and he wants out of this marriage so that he's free to pursue her.
He says that's not the case, but it has to be... because we were fine until she came along.
And when it happened between them a year ago, she was promoted and sent to another house, so they didn't have to work together.
But once he got this promotion, he spends 10-15 hours of his day with her, and suddenly he wants out of the marriage.
Yea, what the fuck ever.