Friday, November 6, 2015

Second Time Single Mom

Almost A Single Mom Again... And Already Feeling It

The short version- he started working at this horrible job in May of 2012.  The pay was awful, barely above the minimum wage, and a ridiculous amount of overtime that at his rate of pay, actually 'cost' us money, because with him gone all the time, I couldn't work. He was working until 10 o'clock at night, and working 12 hour days on the weekends, both weekend days.

And for all that work... we weren't getting anywhere.

After 2 years, we were just getting deeper and deeper into the hole because I was limited on my work.
I do freelance work... it's feast or famine.

And I can't attend the feast if I'm stuck with the kids and I can't hire a babysitter on a 'whim' when the feast comes along.

Something had to change... he had to drop down to 40 hours.

The details of how he finally got a 'decent' schedule aren't worth getting into, but suffice to say, his 'boss' got a girl pregnant, then hired her, knowing full well that she was pregnant and would be unable to do the job, but because of the law, would not be able to terminate her when she couldn't do it, and then gave her a nice, cushy day schedule... a schedule he told my husband 'wasn't available.'

This was the kind of crap that was going on at this place, and meanwhile, even though the schedule was supposed to come out on Friday's, it would be 10 o'clock on a Saturday night when we would finally find out if my husband had to work another 12 hour day the next day.

Sometimes this happened every night of the week.  Sometimes the district manager would announce on Tuesday that they were going to do something the next day, that even though my husband was scheduled until 7pm, would keep him out until 1am... and sometimes, when he had to work another 12 hour day the next day after that too.

It was ridiculous.  It was horrible on me, on the kids, on our entire life as a family.

I started blogging about this company and the way they treated their staff...

Soon after that, my husband was finally given a 'decent' schedule.  It was a split shift, Monday- Friday, 6am-10am and then 1pm-5pm.  He hated it, he said, because he hated having to go back once he'd left.

Jump forward to 2014 and this new woman gets hired... and I find him texting with her late at night.  He didn't exactly 'hide' it.  I knew about her, knew he liked her, and even knew that that's who he was texting with at night.  I didn't think anything of it.  I thought it was innocent flirting... that attraction is just that, attraction.  He loved me. He loved the kids.  I wasn't worried.

He even offered to let me read the texts, but that's just not my nature, so I didn't.

I trusted him.

A couple of months after she came to work there a promotion opened up that he went for, and didn't get.

Of course, I got the blame. Because of my blogging.  Because I wouldn't let him work the necessary schedule.  Because I wouldn't let him work overtime.

Of course, the fact that the DM had already made up her mind to give the position to one of her 'pets' was irrelevant.

He would have at least had more ground to stand on if it weren't for me.  It didn't matter to him that that 'more ground' still wouldn't have gotten him the job because the DM liked the other guy and didn't like my husband... and of course, it also didn't matter that my husband never tried to make her like him.

The blame had to be put solely and squarely on me and me alone.

He just ignored the 'proven' facts that I couldn't hire a babysitter because of the way my work operates, I couldn't commit to paying a sitter on a 'regular' basis because I never knew when I'd have work and no amount of overtime that he worked ever did, or ever would, have put us in the position to 'save' for that.  He just kept repeating how I could have/should have hired a babysitter so I could work too.

He ignored the fact that he never attempted to cultivate any kind of a relationship with his DM.

He ignored the fact that if he had tried to cultivate a relationship with her, he might have had some influence or been able to say "It's three days before Christmas and I'm doing 12 hours the day after tomorrow, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day... I'm off at 7 tomorrow to go do Christmas shopping for my kids, I'm not staying and working until 1 am because you decided TODAY to take the house to Bush Gardens tomorrow night."

He ignored so many 'truths' so he could keep putting all the blame on me.

And so... he had all the 'excuses' in the world to have the affair he had with her.

He says it never got physical.  I don't know if I believe that, but I did eventually read the texts, and the Facebook messages, and it was definitely 'emotional.'

And when I found out, and I did read all the exchanges, he admitted it.

He had convinced her, and everyone else at his job that I was some 'shrew' of a wife who made his home life sooo unhappy... and it appears, at least to me, that that led this girl to believe that it was ok for her to pursue this married man.

He used his 'depression' about not getting the promotion 'because of me', to 'justify' this emotional affair he was having with her... to 'justify' leaving me, which he was considering doing.

It was a dark hour in our relationship... together almost 5 years, married for 4 and a half, a history of struggling and scraping to get by.

We wanted to work it out.  He said he did.  I tried.

One of the things that we agreed to work on was our future. I had wanted us to build a business together ever since we met.  He knew that ever since we met.  And in the beginning, he had said he wanted the same thing, but he never would step up and commit to being a part of doing anything to make that happen.   After this 'affair' he not only said he wanted to, and promised to try, he even said that he was interested in real estate.

And then, 'she' got promoted to 'manager' and went to work at a different house.

I busted my ass so we could buy a car so we could do real estate, since our Jeep was on it's last legs.
He was going to go back to school for a better 'career',
He was even going to get a certification that would have put him into a $15.00 an hour job

And the reason that I was able to buy that car was because with him only working 40 hours, I was finally able to make more money, and make it more consistently, than ever before, because I finally had time to work too.

Then, right after we bought the car... a month after, we lost it in the flood.

It took about two months to get the insurance settled and get another car, and during that time, the promotion he'd been denied the year before, came open... but at the house 'she' works at.

And he, arbitrarily, and unilaterally, decided, without any regard for me or my feelings, that he was going to take it.

He says he 'asked' me how I felt... he didn't.  All he said was "What if it was $11.00 an hour?"  And that conversation was not even about the position... it was the 'question' he asked that 'led' me into the conversation in which he told me that the position was open and it didn't mater what I thought or how I felt because I had no 'right' to say no...  he is confused about me not having a right to tell him he can't work, and me having every right to say , 'No, you can't work with the woman you had an affair with!"

Apparently, he thinks he has all the 'rights' to do just do whatever he wants.  I have no rights to not allow it.  Well, ok, yea, I have the right to end my marriage completely, or put up with him working with the woman he had an affair with.

Hobson's Choice is not a choice. 

And she was not the only reason I didn't want him to take the position either!

  • Taking it meant back to nights, and weekends, and 12 hour days on the weekends, and overtime, overtime, overtime... 60, 70, 80 hours a week.  And that's when they HAVE staff... but this company has been constantly understaffed for the past 3.5 years!  It's a revolving door and there is no way to fix that or make it any better. Every two months, on average, almost all of the staff quits, and then they're understaffed again and whoever is left is working 80-90 hours a week. 

And with those kinds of hours...

Taking it means

  • No going back to school
  • No hyperbaric chamber tech certification
  • No new, better, job
  • No Real Estate

That was about 2 months ago and it's been two months of pure Hell ever since.

It's been nights, it's every Sunday, it's him working a split shift on Friday from 6am-10am and then 1-10pm... but coming home an hour and a half late in the morning, at 11:30 am, walking in the door on the phone with the 'boss' that just had him on the clock for 5.5 hours and will have him on the clock for another 9 hours that same day.. but has to talk to him during MY time with him... and then, on his way back to work, with ME, 10 minutes before he's supposed to be back, she's calling him on the phone.

It's him constantly being late, getting called, and getting called-in.

It's him having Thursday and Saturday off, but having to work 12 hours on his day off on Thursday because he had to finish paperwork because of all the 'issues' and ridiculous 'manager meetings' that last 5 hours, that kept him from doing the paperwork all month long.

And then... it's trying to not get angry about Thursday, but instead point out, "Please don't let them screw up Saturday," and being 'brushed off,' like if he does get a call, he won't call the 'princess' on HER day off to handle it... he'll just ditch me and the kids.  Again.

It's him not making any effort to make up for what he's doing either...

And him telling me "I don't want to."

He is late almost every day.  In fact, coming home on time is the 'rarity.'

Many days, it makes me angry.  More days than it doesn't.

Some days, I try not to get angry, and some days I really don't get angry.

He doesn't appreciate at all anything I do to do 'try'...

He doesn't have any appreciation for the days I 'try' not to get mad, and he doesn't have any appreciation for the days I don't get mad at all.

The last big fight was over the fact that because of the fight before that, he'd locked me out of his phone, his Facebook account, and his email.

He told me I didn't need to be in them, that they were none of my business.

He never had 'secrets' from before, and up until 'her', I never felt the need use any of his passwords to 'spy' on him.  But now, he's given me reasons to want access that he has never denied me before, and using it to justify the way he's treating me.

Last night in tears I told him that this has been extremely hard on me and he's not done a single thing to try and make it better for me... to make it up to me.

He doesn't come home and hug me and kiss me and tell me he's sorry he had to work late.  That he missed me. That he wants to make it up to me.

And when I told him that, he said "I don't.  I don't miss you. I don't want to make it up to you."

The fight after the fight about him locking me out was a bad one.  He wanted to take the only car we have to leave me.  I said no.  If you leave, you don't leave me without a car.

He whined about how he needs a car to get to work.

And insinuated that if I needed to go somewhere, I could 'use' the car, or he would drive me where I needed to go.

But no, that's just not acceptable.  I've been 'forced' to 'endure' ENOUGH.

He cheated, and I forgave.  My forgiveness was spit on.  It meant NOTHING to him.
He took this job, this big "Fuck you, your feelings don't matter" job. SHOVED it, IN MY FACE that me and my feelings are just some 'irrelevant' thing.
He lied, he broke promises, he betrayed my trust and took advantage of my love.

I will not be forced to 'depend' on him for a car, nor will I be forced to have transportation at 'his' convenience.  I will not be in a position where I need something and I'm told "Well it will have to wait because I can't leave work."

But he screamed at me and demanded the car, and when I had them in the pocket of my shorts and refused to give them to him, he tried to reach into my pocket to grab them but I put my hand in there first and held on to them, so he grabbed and pulled, and ripped my shorts right off me.

And now, after all of the harm he's caused, he says he 'doesn't trust himself with me.'

Of course, he also tells me that 'we' are poison together.

So he's not really taking responsibility for anything... he takes miniscule, partial responsibility for his actions, by blaming them on me.

I made him rip my shorts because I wouldn't give him the keys so he could leave me and my kids without a car.

So we'd have to be at his 'mercy'.

Because I wouldn't just 'submit' to this job and keep my mouth shut and do as I was told and let him have his 'secrets' so I won't know the next time he's having an affair...

And then he tells me, " I do love you."  And he comes to bed at night and puts his arm around me and cuddles up to me.  And again says, "I do love you, but I'm afraid I'm just done."

And I think... no, you don't love me.  This is not what love is.  Love is when you look at the person you're with and you want to show them that you love them.

I'm at this crossroads now... where I feel like I love him, but I look at all the things he's doing to me and I think, how can I love a man who would treat me this way?

I have a mother who doesn't love me... and for 40 years, I've struggled because if my own mother doesn't love me, then it has to be me.  And when no one else loves me either, well, like I said, "if my own mother doesn't love me, then it has to be me."  And if that's true, it's not fair for me to not love him just because he doesn't love this very unlovable me...

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