It's Hard To Be Thankful Today...

It's Thanksgiving Day today and I'm trying hard to be thankful for the things I have to be thankful for.

Here's what I'm thankful for....

• I have two beautiful children.
• My children are healthy.
• My children love me. 
• I have a roof over my head.
• I have food. 
• I have a nice, warm bed to sleep in.
• I have some very good friends.
• I have a husband.
• My husband has a job.
• I have a great list of clients who provide me with work, especially when I really need it. 
• I have a car.

It looks like I have a lot to be thankful for, and I am thankful for all those things.

So why am I finding it so hard to be thankful this year?

Because the last few months have been... hard.

In fact, the last year has been hard and recently, I discovered that even the year before it was hard, only I didn't know it.

I've blogged on this site about my husband's job, and about a year ago, something terrible happened at his job that nearly destroyed our marriage.  Rather, it nearly destroyed the marriage for me.

According to recent 'revelations' from my husband, two years ago, our marriage was over for him.

He claims he 'just hadn't accepted it.'

He informed me of this about a month ago, after two months of fighting non-stop about his job.

Because three months ago, he was offered a promotion that I didn't want him to take because it meant Hell for our home life (again).  It meant back to nights, weekends, and holidays.

And more overtime than it is reasonable for anyone with a family to work.

It also meant working closely with the person who last year was the 'center' of the terrible thing that nearly destroyed the marriage for me.

It was because of this person that my husband was supposed to get a new job and quit this one and cut all ties with this person. A friend even had a job that he wanted, lined up for him, and it pays $4.00 more an hour than this job with the promotion he just got.  (Yep, he took it, against my wishes.)

And, it also meant that his plans to go to school, out the window.

All the plans we'd made to secure a better future, were just 'out the window,' for him.

I saw it as a chance for him to spend even more time with this person he was supposed to be cutting all ties with.

And I did not want him to take this job.

But he did it anyway, and all we've done for the past three months is fight.

Because he works every single day of the week, and it's pretty much all day, every day.

It is non-stop.  Every single day, he's late.  Not being late is an 'exception' to the rule.

Every day off, he's called in.

And when he isn't there, they're calling him.

He told me it was going to be this way for a few months until he got his staff trained.

And that's just one of the reasons I didn't want him to take this promotion.

But what I wanted didn't matter.  As usual, it's what he wanted that matters.

He likes to tell fairy tale stories that support his (selfish, for taking this job) claim that 'for once, he's doing what he wants, for himself, instead of what I want), but that's a blatant, outright, lie.

He's done what he wanted for the past 6 years. He's never done what I wanted.

If he had done what I wanted,

• He would have started a video creation business 5 years ago. 
• He would have started any kind of a business, any time within the past 5 years. 
• He would have found any other job, within the last 4 years.
• He would have moved Heaven and Earth, and Hell and Mountains to have found a new job in the past year, after what happened last year.

He's never done anything that I wanted him to do.

He likes to tell another fairy tale story that I made him my 'slave,' because he

• Washed just enough dishes for a meal (always leaving the rest in a pile in the sink and on the counter)
• Washed and dried the clothes (leaving the dry clothes in a ball on top of the dryer)
• Cooked (forgetting that for the first two years at this job, he worked 2-10pm and I had to cook dinner for the kids every night, just because I waited for him to get home so I could eat 'with' him and he wound up cooking.) 
• And did the grocery shopping. 

He 'conveniently forgets' that he didn't want me to do the dishes btw, and said, "It's not your fault. You just don't have the strength to scrub them to get them clean and they wind up still dirty."

And he loves to 'ignore' the fact that the rest of the house has always been a pig sty.  He loves to blame that on me too, because I 'won't let him parent the way he wants to,' meaning he'll make the kids pick up their mess.   Only, that theory is flawed, because he's the one who is always sitting in the same room with them when they eat (the living room).  And here's there with them, in that room, staring at his computer, playing a video game, while they leave their dishes on the floor and on the couch, and in the morning, when I get up, the mess is still there.  

So no, 'he' won't make them pick up their mess.  What he means is that I need to be on top of that, and them, each and every night so he can play his video games. 

He complains that he worked 70 hours a week to 'get ahead,' and he still did 'everything' (which is clearly not even the case as proven by the list above).

I begged him NOT to work 70 hours a week... and when he didn't, when he worked only 40, my income shot up and left us both more time to be with the kids and work on the house. 

Then he complained that I should have let him work the 70 hours a week and I should have worked 70 hours a week myself because "by now we would be so far ahead."

When he took this promotion, I got sold a bunch more fairy tale stories about how he was doing this for the family, so we could have more money, and a better base, so I could build up real estate and passive income, blah, blah, blah... 

But the truth is, he didn't do this for the family.  That was a lie he told me. 

Apparently, if the marriage was 'over for him' two years ago (based on the fairy tale that I wouldn't let him work more than 40 hours,) he did not take this job for any of those fairy tale stories... he took it because once again, he was doing what he wanted. 

And about that "I wouldn't let him work more than 40 hours" fairy tale....

Here's what REALLY happened.  What really happened was that when he got the job, he was only supposed to have to work one weekend day.  He always wound up working both weekend days, and both, 12 hour days at that. On top of the regular 2-10pm schedule, which was often a much longer shift than that too, because they were always understaffed.

Then came December 19, 2013... when the District Manager decided that the staff was to take the houses to Bush Gardens the next day, December 20.  My husband was only scheduled to work until 7pm that night, and had 12 hour days ahead of him for the next 3 days... making the 20th the last night we had to do Christmas shopping for the kids.  Other people were permitted to 'opt out' of going because 'they didn't have babysitters,' but not my husband.  He had to go and was kept out until 1 am. 

And I blogged about that... and more. *More on this in a minute... 

Not only was that kind of incident indicative of the problem with this job, shortly after this, my husband's 'lead' got a girl pregnant, and knowing she was pregnant, (and would not be able to do the 'job') got her hired at the job, AND, gave her a nice, daytime schedule that he told my husband 'just wasn't available.'  (Yet it was available for the girl he got pregnant, who wouldn't be able to do 'the job' because she'd have to be put on light duty, so she could collect a paycheck for a job she isn't capable of doing.)  

A couple of months later, he was offered a job with 'school hours,' and for about the same money, and no overtime. 

And he was about to take it when his lead begged him to stay and said "I'll work with your hours."

He told his lead he could work anytime between 6am and 7pm. 

And so he was put on a split shift, from 6am-9am and then 1pm- 6 pm, sometimes 7pm.  Then it changed to 6am-10am, and then 1pm-5pm, sometimes 6pm, and rarely, 7pm or 8 pm.  I could live with this.  And it was all M-F. 

THEN.... he was offered a promotion, which he didn't get. 

And then my blog, and the fairy tale that "I wouldn't let him work more than 40 hours" was thrown in his face as to why he didn't get the promotion. 

Although, the real reason was that the DM just didn't like my husband at all, (and it was no wonder she didn't, he never went out of his way to make her like him, and the guy she did pick was one of her 'pets' who, according my husband, 'kissed her ass.') 

And at first, my husband admitted that the latter was true, and so when my blog was thrown in his face, he was actually 'proud' of the fact that I had the 'influence' I had so that after he didn't get the promotion, he was able to tell his boss, "She has a Klout score of 67 and she's still friends with Jessica" (a former staff member that worked with them who gave me all kinds of dirt on them). 

What I didn't know at the time, was what was going on between my husband and someone else on staff... and when I found out about it, not only did I find out, but it also looked to me like his lead was 'covering' for him.

Of course, I was furious, and in a very angry text, I said something about blogging about all the crap that went on there that I never blogged about, but was going to after that. 

Well, my husband decided to show that text to his lead, to 'protect' his lead from what I was about to do. 

Which was probably nothing... I probably still wouldn't have 'outed' him.  Which is why this post is on this blog and not that one.  As this blog is under a pen name anyway, so the company won't be able to tie this post to me.

Anyway.... I never said he couldn't work more than 40 hours.  I said I was tired of him working until 10pm every night, and 12 hour days, both weekend days.   "Some" overtime would have been ok with me, even 'some' evenings' and even one weekend day and maybe, once in a while, a whole weekend... but 70, 80, and 90 hours a week, and him never being home, and always gone all weekend... that was simply not acceptable, and especially not at $8.50 an hour with a $12.75 an hour OT rate. 

It was no good for the kids, and it was no good for me, because it prevented me from working. 

First he points out that I have 7.5 hours a day while the kids are at school to work, but when I tell him that's not enough time, he goes on to tell me how that's not good enough anyway. 

He says not only should he have been allowed to do it, but I should have pulled those same kinds of hours too... and had the kids in school and in PLACE to do it... 

Wait... what?

Did I hear that right?

It's not enough that they never see him, now they should never see either of us, and we should stick them in school all day, and PLACE all night, letting them be raised entirely by strangers, so he can work 70, 80, 90 hours a week at an $8.50 an hour base rate of pay job?  That for over 5 years, no one even got a 'raise' at?  

And apparently, he's been 'harboring' ill will towards me ever since... 

Ever since he turned down a better job because his lead promised to work with his schedule, and translated that into a fairy tale story that I wouldn't let him work more than 40 hours a week...

-Or-

Ever since that 'person' who almost destroyed my marriage, (for me) made him convince himself of all these 'fairy tales' so that he could justify and excuse his actions with her. 

And once this promotion came available, and he would have to spend a lot of time working closely with 'this person,' he was able to convince himself that he's 'doing something for himself, that he wants to do, for once'... and 'pretend' that everything else he did was for me, because of me, because I wanted it... 

And since he took the job, he is late every day, is called in on almost every day off, and is called and sent texts constantly during the few minutes a day that he 'might' be at home. 

And about 5 weeks ago, we had a huge fight, during which he tried to leave, with the only car we have.  And I refused to let him have the keys to the car.  So he tried to reach into my shorts pocket to take them, and wound up ripping my shorts.  

And he's now used that as an excuse to tell me that the marriage is over. 

And he's used the fairy tales about being a 'slave' and not being 'allowed to work more than 40 hours,' to tell me that the marriage was over for him 2 years ago.

Which is a very convenient 'escape route' from his promise to do what he had to do to repair our marriage after what happened with 'that person' a year ago, which was to find another job and quit this one and cut all ties with this person. 

And in order to cover all exits to his escape route, he's been mean, hateful, spiteful and even cruel to me. 

Over the past three weeks, he's told me: 

I don't like you.

I'm not attracted to you.

I don't want to touch you.

I don't want to be intimate with you.

I don't like myself with you.

I'm afraid of myself with you. 

When I asked him two nights ago, "What is your chief complaint with me?" He  launched into a tirade that began with, "I don't like who you are.  I don't like your opinions on police, on the military, how any time anyone doesn't agree with your opinion, they're stupid and you beat them down into submission into agreeing with your opinion."

He then went on with his laundry list of complaints...

"I was your slave."

"You stopped taking care of yourself. You stopped taking a shower every day." *

"You shred my mother."

"You shred Wanda."

"Four days into our relationship, you're talking marriage"

"I agreed with your 'perception' that 'love is a decision."

"I really haven't been satisfied with our sex life."

And that's when he told me that he's been 'talking to someone else' and that's who he was out with until 5am this past Saturday morning when he went out after work Friday night and shut his phone off. 

But not before going to visit a friend of ours in the hospital, supposedly to ask our friend if he thought that my husband 'Did everything he could to 'try' and make the marriage work," and then entertaining yet another fairy tale that our friend confirmed for him that he had done everything he could to 'try.'

And that is another 'fairy tale' version of what happened because our friend does not believe in divorce, and I knew that our friend would have told him, "No, you haven't 'tried' everything. You didn't even go to marriage counseling and you didn't quit the job." 

And when I asked my friend about this, he confirmed to me that he never told my husband, "Yes, you've tried everything," and that he would never have said that. 

When he left the hospital, he told our friend that he had to go back to work, but I suspect that was just another one of his lies.  

Since he said he'd been 'talking to' [another woman] all week and that's who he was with Friday night, and out until 5am with. 

Meanwhile... since the incident when he ripped my shorts, he's supposedly 'been talking to people' who have been 'advising him.' 

What people?

His mother.  Who I allegedly 'shred.'  Who's been divorced 3 times. Who left her kids with their so-called 'abusive' father, who two years later, got tired of them and turned them over to the state to be put into the foster care system... all while conveniently forgetting that she is the one who started 'shredding' me the day she told me that me not wanting to uproot my kids to move to TN, was not a 'valid reason' not to move...

Wanda, who refuses to accept reality so that she can sit in sanctimonious judgment on people she knows nothing about and despite being 'educated' by me, rejects 'fact' so that she can continue to sit in sanctimonious, holier than thou, judgment on people she knows nothing about.  

Nate, Wanda's son, who is 40 years old, has never had a serious relationship and is still living with his mother. 

All of these people are giving him 'relationship' advice... telling him things like "If you're with someone who is making you want to raise your hands to them, then you shouldn't be with them."

Perpetuating another fairy tale that an abuser can be 'driven to be being abusive' by their victim!

They think Shane is such a 'good guy' that it can't be possible for him to be violent or abusive, so therefore, it must be that I am 'driving him' to it... 

They don't know about the year and a half that I was the only one working and we were broke all the time and he wouldn't even make some lousy, stinking videos for me to sell online for extra income.

They didn't know about the time he slapped our eldest son across the back so hard that it left a mark that lasted 24 hours. 

They didn't know about the time that he slapped our eldest so hard across the face that he left a bruise that lasted a week and I had to keep the kid home from school for a week. 

(And even if his mother knew about that, she'd be fine with it, because she thinks it's ok to 'beat' children. And both of those incidents were prior to the two years ago fairy tale event of me 'not letting him work more than 40 hours a week, when I 'emasculated' him.)) 

So they justify his actions in the 'incident' with that 'person' at work, and justify his anger and violence by buying these 'fairy tales' he's telling about me...

And when he said "You stopped taking care of yourself," and 'stopped taking a shower every day,' I reminded him that I told him two or three days into our relationship that I was prone to depression and that not showering for days was a sign of it and I wouldn't know it was happening, so it would be 'his watch.'  And when I reminded him of that, first I got SCREAMED at, again, about how 'how much am I supposed to do?"

Well no one said you needed to work 70 hours a week.

The 'FACT' is that when you did work less hours, I made more money, and combined we made more than we did 'combined' when you worked 70.

And you did 'some' of the house work, but not all of it and what you did was half-done. 

So, really, you want to work 70 hours a week and do NOTHING at home, or with the kids. 

And you want me to work 70 hours a week too, and let my kids be raised by strangers, and take care of all of the house on top of that as well. 

Oh, and while you carry on inappropriate relationships with women you work with...

And your 3 divorces Mommy, your Momma's Boy Still Living With His Mother At 40 Years Old And Has Never Had a Relationship Best friend, and his mother who's more than happy to have her 40 year old son still attached to her apron strings think that this is all "ME."

Right?

Because I don't believe in having my kids raised by babysitters

Because I despise cops.

Because I'm an Anarchist.

Because I don't believe in drug testing the beneficiaries of premium paying insurance policy holders when they make a claim because sanctimonious twats refuse to accept the fact that it is an insurance policy and that everyone pays the 'tax/premiums' for the coverage one way or the other and is therefore entitled to the benefits of it, without having their Constitutionally protected rights violated for making the claim. 

Yea, if you keep insisting that welfare recipients should be drug tested, because you refuse to accept the 'FACT' that welfare IS an 'insurance program,' just so you can sit up on your high horse about how you (stupidly, I might add) agreed to be drug tested for your job, you're still not 'earning' it 'for anyone' (you stupid sanctimonious asshat) because we ALL pay 'taxes' that are those premiums, and YOU aren't 'earning' shit for anyone else, except yourself, then you are a class A, piece of shit, douchebag.

Today, it's hard to be thankful for my husband.  And it's really hard to be 'thankful' for his job, or the people in our lives who are destroying our marriage because they don't like that I don't appreciate being treated like a second class citizen because they 'need' to feel so 'holier than thou' that they can't accept the truth that welfare is an insurance policy, that people on it, as I once was, paid far more than my 'fair share' of the 'taxes' that covered me, for what was NOT even an 'equitable ROI,' while they run their willfully ignorant mouths about how 'they' (ignorantly) subjected to a drug test to earn it for themselves, because they ignorantly believe that they're earning that check for me. 

Not only does my husband apparently not bother to defend me to these idiots who say stupid, ignorant shit like this, knowing how hurtful it is to me...

And that he's more concerned about how I what I say hurts their feelings

...But it seems obvious, that's he's a statist fucktard who supports their beliefs, since as he said, he doesn't support mine, that I should be treated like a 2nd class citizen. 

Well fuck him and fuck them, too. 

I will be grateful today, and I will be happy. 

I'll be damned if a bunch of statist twats will get to steal my happiness. 

Here's what I'm thankful for....

• I have two beautiful children.
• My children are healthy.
• My children love me. 
• I have a roof over my head.
• I have food. 
• I have a nice, warm bed to sleep in.
• I have some very good friends.
• I have a husband.
• My husband has a job.
• I have a great list of clients who provide me with work, especially when I really need it. 
• I have a car.

And I'm grateful for having a blog, where I can get this shit off my chest.