Wednesday, November 18, 2009

The Paradoxical Life Of A Not So Young Single Mom

This morning has me confused and bewildered. I came to mommyhood late in life, not having had my first until I was 31. I thought I was ready. I had a successful business, a home, good credit, cars, boat, all the material things that most people sacrifice for the sake of having families young. I had traveled, I had lived. I felt I was worldly and experienced. I thought it was time.

In less than 2 years, my life, and all that made me, well, me... was gone. The money, the cars, the boat, the business, my self respect, my dignity, vanished. And I was pregnant with a second. I was homeless, had nowhere to turn. Knew 'what' to do, but not 'how' to do it. Every obstacle seemed insurmountable, every roadblock, a dead end with no detour.

Over the next two years, I struggled to cope. Financially and emotionally. Most days, I felt as if there were nothing left of me but an empty shell of the woman I used to be. It was like I died but was left to roam the earth a robotic machine, serving the purpose of doing the job of caring for the children that Daddy left behind after he succeeded in destroying me.

Yesterday, I turned 35. My God. 35. I was supposed to be retired to the Caribbean by this age. And yet, here I am, in a rental home, without water right now until I get paid and can come up with a deposit. In a not paid training class for a seasonal work from home job, trying to find freelance work online to come up with some extra money so that all the bills will be paid and there will even be some money for Christmas. Yearning to get my nails and hair done, to look pretty again and feel good enough about myself to find someone to build and share a life with. Longing to be the woman I once was and win back my kids' father's heart.

And I realize.

For all that I had 'lived' in 30 years, prior to having children, I have not yet begun to live. During those rare moments that I can experience even the slightest bit of 'happiness' done vicariously through my children, seeing the world through their eyes, that I realize...
I am naive and untouched in many ways, by many things. And for this I begin to reopen my mind to the possiblities of a new future.

I once believed that you only fail when you stop trying.
I once believed that a true soldier does not admit defeat before the battle
I once believed that anything the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve.

Somewhere along the lines of the past 5 years, I lost my beliefs. Today, I take them back.
I take them into myself and I harbor them and protect them. I shall nurture them and they shall give me strentgth. I will change my life today. And every day from here on out, I will rebuild the beliefs and once again, be valiant in my efforts to overcome.

I am Mommy.
I am the master of my own destiny
My family is my soul
My sould is my vessel,
And I am the Captain of this ship

Inspiration has come, the muse has been bestowed upon me. I will prevail.

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