Today is November 15, 2009 and on Nov 13, it was exactly two years since my boys' Daddy deserted us, leaving us homeless and destitute. I had a roommate for a long time, but for the past month or so, it has just been the boys and me. Last night, a friend decided to tell me how well she thought I was doing on my own. I believe she is trying to 'give' me strength by telling me how strong I am. The power of suggestion, after all, is very strong and I know she wants me to be strong.
I really appreciate how supportive my friend is trying to be, but I pretend that all is fine and I put on a happy face for my kids, even though, inside, I feel empty. I cannot even begin to describe what this is like. I have no joy, as much as I like to act like I do for my kids sake, I can't help but wonder if they don't 'feel' my emptiness. As a child of divorce, I know the hurt and confusion that a child experiences when there is an absent parent.
This is how I felt about my absentee father.
Mom always seemed overwhelmed at the amount of attention I needed, as I now feel overwhelmed by the amount of attention my kids needed. You had no right to abandon me to that life, and my kids Dad no right to do it to our kids either.
I knew when you asked for a paternity test when Mom took you to court for child support. I hate you for playing the "I'm not your child game" just to avoid supporting me while to my face you told me how much you loved me and that my mother wasn't a 'fit' mother. She may not have been a 'fit' mother, but she was a damn sigth better than you. At least she was there.
The way you treated her, the things you did to her, left scars on her soul. I had to live with the repercussion of how your atrocious behavior affected her. She was closed off, cold, distant, distrustful, secretive. I felt like a burden, a dissappointment an intrusion. I know now that she was overwhelmed being a single mother, and I see myself turning into that same person. Although I know I don't want to be that person, the forces of nature are what they are and my emotions are no different than any other mother's emotions when struggling to raise kids alone. You cannot fight Mother Nature and win.
I did without a lot of things. Even when you paid your measly child support, it made nary a dent in the cost of raising me. I always felt like an outsider to my friends because my 'parent' had a single income, doubly restricted by the fact that she was also the only one available to 'raise' me and take time off work for doctors, dentist, sick days, etc, making a 'career' for her nearly impossible. she was stuck in menial jobs that worked around my schedule and this stretched our budget even further.
Our society is not set up to allow one person to raise a child alone. You thought you had no responsibiltiy to me, and I hate you for it. You are gone now, but your crimes live on, and my children suffer the same fate I did.
To my kids dad: This is how your kids will feel too. None of your "I love you, buddy" ies, will cover what you did when you abandoned them. They are smart, they will know the things you've said and the things you've done. You can't 'fake' your heart with words. Your actions speak volumes. They will not accept your 'excuses.' Neither will I, and neither should anyone have to.