Marriage Counseling- First Session Reflections

Now that I've slept on it, I have some thoughts about last night's marriage counseling session. 

So, apparently, my 'blogging' is 'crossing a boundary.'  And so all of these posts will remain in 'draft'.  At least until I decide whether or not I even believe that.

But let's just leave that aside for now... and we'll start from the beginning.

As of Monday, I asked my husband if after the past week, and his 'time away' Saturday night (again) and decision to go to another job, etc, etc, if he thought he was coming around, he said no.

I told him that in that case, I don't want to go to marriage counseling.

After a lot of 'well what do you want to do then?'  (Which to me, sounds a lot like fishing for the 'finality' of deciding which one of us should leave, which is bait I refuse to take, so I kept saying "I don't know)...

The next morning he said we have to go.  He said if I didn't want to go, he'd go without me.

I said I would go, but don't want to and asked him if he wanted to pick me up to go.  He said yes, and he did.

And on the way down there, he said "What am I allowed to talk about?"  I said "Whatever you want to talk about. What do you want to talk about?"

He said "I'm talked out."

I asked "Then why are we going?"

He said, "Because you want to."

A new 'twisted version' of the reality. 

Last Thursday night we were somewhat 'intimate,' after which he told me that he just didn't feel any emotional connection to me during or after intimacy.

Saturday day, he told me that he was going to try.  He even asked me for a list of 10 things I'd like us to do together.  Saturday night, he went out, and came home and told me that he was going to go to another job because if we're going to work it out, he needs to be out of his job, and if we don't, he needs the better paying job to be able to 'give me money.'

Then Monday, when I asked him if he thought he was coming around, he said no.

Well, after all I've done, all the sacrifices I've made, all the concessions I've given and all the horrible things he's said to me over the past 3 months... if he's still not coming around, if there's not even any 'appreciation' for all that, any appreciation for that love, that he can't love me back, then no, I don't want to go to marriage counseling.

And  that is exactly what I told him Monday night and Tuesday, he said he wanted to go, and then said we were going because I want to...

*******************************************************************************

Moving on to what happened at marriage counseling... 

We started off the session with him telling her that we were there because he is unhappy and wants out of the marriage but I don't and that we 'have to' save the marriage because 'that's what she wants,' (she being me.)

I can't recall her exact question, but his answer to it was that he couldn't say 'for fear of retribution'.  I offered to leave the room, they accepted that and off I went until she came back out to get me 15-20 minutes later.

When I went back in, she asked more questions of both of us....

She noted that we've both commented that there is a lot of anger and frustration from both of us.  She asked me what I do when he gets angry and wants to leave, and I admitted that I don't  let him.  She asked why, and I said "Because I'm afraid he won't come back."  She said, "So, some abandonment issues there."

She also asked about trust... and I admitted that I haven't really been able to trust him since 'the other woman.'  I did forgive him, but trust was something he had to earn back... and he only had to do ONE thing to earn it back, and he refused.  I even busted my own ass, taking on extra work so we could buy a car so he COULD do it, and he still didn't do it.  Electing to instead, take the promotion working even more 'closely' with her.

But we didn't 'delve' into that situation either.

And the truth is, that's fine with me.

I am honestly beyond the point of 'over it.'  Saturday night, he said he was going to go get that other job, so if he does, then she's no longer a factor.  And if he doesn't... well maybe counseling can find another solution to help with the trust issue.

My real problem is now centered on the fact that he says he 'just wants out.'

*Mind you however, that in the beginning of this, what he said was "We need to separate so I can fix myself," but then kept continuing on to say things like 'he isn't 'in love' with me,' and 'I don't want to be intimate with you,' and 'I have no emotional connection to you.'...  so what am I to think of all these mixed signals except that he really doesn't know what the Hell he wants and if I want to save the marriage, I have to keep going to counseling until he figures it out...

Which of course, is just more fear for me... how long do we go for and what happens at the end?  Do we go for 6 months and if at the end of 6 months he still feels he wants out... why did I waste all this time and money?

And just a head's up, I know the answer.  "You don't."  And I know the whole "But it's not a waste of time because you can at least say that you tried, and you could have even become a better person for going," blah, blah, blah, psychobabble.

I'm paying for results.  I don't consider any divorce a 'successful divorce.'  I'm paying to SAVE my MARRIAGE.

And when I left the room... I have no idea what was said, all I know is that when I came back in, she seemed to be focused on doing things that would save the marriage... ( but that made even less sense once we were out of the session and in the car and he told me 'other things- more on that in a minute, first, the rest of the session)

"So you're not on the same page? Different ideas, different parenting styles, stuff like that?"

Parenting

We both agreed to that, and he said how he thinks parenting 'should' be done, and that he sees signs of ADHD and autism in our older son, and that's part of the problem, because he deals with that all day at work and then has to come home and deal with the same behaviors.

I managed to get out that I took our son to a psychiatrist the day before and was working on that, but I couldn't get out the rest of what's on my mind about our 'different parenting styles.'

He's the type that would hit a kid with a belt.  I am not.

He's also never home to be a parent, so why does he get to tell me how to do it?

Or the fact that he says "I won't let him parent" (when he is here), when he is here to do it, he doesn't do what he says 'he' 'would' do anyway... like he says he'd make the kids clean up after themselves.  He doesn't.  When he IS here, he sits in the same room that they eat dinner in, the living room, with his head buried in his computer while they eat.  He doesn't look up or speak until they get rambunctious and then he starts yelling and screaming at them to go to bed... while their plates and cups from dinner sit squarely in the middle of the living room floor or on the couch...

And of course, they 'should' eat at the table... but they don't.  Because the table is the only place I have to work, because after 3.5 years in this house, I can't get any help getting the garage set up to put an 'office' out there for me to work at.

Add to that he doesn't believe in 'the family sitting down to have dinner together.'  Because his parents worked all the time and if that's good enough for them, it's good enough for everyone else too.  It doesn't matter to him at all that there is irrefutable proof that family dinner is important to the family, and the marriage... as far as he's concerned, our kids need to 'settle' for the exact life he had as a child. They don't deserve 'better'.

And also, let's not forget the fact that this 'family' he grew up in, divorced, and the siblings aren't close at all, except for the twins.

*********************************************************************************

Busy Lives

Here is where she finally seemed to start 'counseling' us on things we needed to do... though she did not say 'to save the marriage' or to 'have a successful divorce.'

She did not say to me, "He's made up his mind and now what we have to do is find a way to make the divorce amicable."

Instead, she talked about how busy our lives are, how much stress we're both under, and how often times we can forget that our marriage needs to be 'nurtured.'

She asked when was the last time we went out together, just the two of us.

I asked "Does dinner count?"

She said, "It depends.  Did you just enjoy each other's company, or did you talk about work, the kids, logistics," and he and I both replied "Logistics" and I added "Our whole life is about logistics."

Finally... something he and I both agree on as 'truth.' 

But she didn't suggest anything we could do to work on that...

Instead, she moved on to...

*******************************************************************************

Working Together As A Team

Oh boy!  Just the day or two before this session, he said to me, "Maybe I'm just not a team player." Which of course, is a fundamental difference between us.  I consider myself a team player, who is too often forced into the role of the quarterback, but I pick up that ball to get done what needs to be done.  And it also didn't help that he said that because of course, my response is, but you sure are part of the team at work.  You take one for that team on a daily basis.


At this point, we were running out of time, and to wrap up, she said to us, "I want you two to start thinking of yourselves as a team.  You are a team.  You're in this together.  You're raising these kids together. You're trying to build a life together.  You need to start thinking of each other like "He is my teammate," and "She is my teammate". And you need to be a team."

She didn't tell us 'how' to do that, and she didn't tell us how to do that when he's said he doesn't want to be part of the team.

But because he said nothing... and we were out of time anyway... I said nothing either.

And we left.

*******************************************************************************

The Car Ride Home From Marriage Counseling

As we left the building, he said he needed to go pick up his medications, and I said, "Oh that's right.  The Dr was supposed to call you with the results of your blood work today.  What did he say?"

"Two meds. Your numbers are better than mine." (I just got my results back the day before.)

So, he started to tell me about his numbers, blood sugar at 305 for the past 6 months, high cholesterol and high triglycerides.  I started to suggest foods we should have in the house, and out of nowhere, he says, "I'm doing this because you want me to."

Sorry... what does that have to do with what we're talking about?  Or are we switching subjects now?

I don't remember exactly what he said, but I know my response was "Do you want to tell me what you talked to her about when I was out of the room?"

He paused and then said,"The same stuff we say to each other."

Well then, if it's stuff you've already said to me, why did I need to leave the room because you 'feared retribution' for what you had to say?

That doesn't make any sense. 

But of course... I kept that to myself. 

I asked him what he thought of her, and he said "She's a therapist."

I asked him if he thought she helped him at all, and he said "I don't know."

He said that she asked him what he wanted and he told her that he has to save the marriage because it's what I (me) want, and that she said "So she gets what she wants and you'll just be miserable" and "I (he) told her, yes."

Nice 'martyr' act, eh?

I didn't say much else after that and neither did he. It was 8:30pm by the time we got home, the kids hadn't eaten dinner  yet, so we had to get dinner, feed them, (and he actually ate with us like a family) and then he had to go back out to work... first to grocery shop for that house, and then to take the food back to that house.  (And I sure hope he's including those two hours on his time sheet.) 

And that brings me to... this morning...

As I reflected this morning, I don't know quite what to think at all. 

I don't actually know what was said in that room.  And I don't know if she fell for the 'oh poor Shane' martyr act either.  

All I do know is that when I came back, there was no discussion of "Ok, he's done with the marriage and what we need to do is to figure out how to make it an amicable divorce." 

There was only discussion of goals and tools to deal with anger and frustration, and techniques for acting like a married couple... like part of 'the team.' 

Maybe she didn't fall for 'the martyr act'.

Maybe he told her that he does love me and wants to work it out but is afraid to admit that because he's afraid that if he does, we'll go right to our same old ways.

Maybe they are 'conspiring' to lead me down a road of 'calmness' so that at the end of 3 months, or 6 months or whatever, she will say, "I think you two should split" thinking that his 'giving it a try,' will make me not be 'vengeful' and hurt people he cares about 'not hurting' more than he cares about loving me. 

I don't know.  

Truth is, I'm not sure I even care. 

Maybe he's right.  Maybe we have cut each other so deeply that the wounds can't ever be healed. 

The only thing that I know 'with absolute certainty' right now, is that I need to replace at least $18,000 a year in 'income' before he can walk out.  And it needs to be 100% 'passive income' from investments that are in my name and under my own control.  Because that's the minimum that he just took away from my kids and me.  $18,000 a year. (And that's before his promotion and his raise.) 

It can't be 'support' he promises to pay from his job... any number of things could happen to that job. He could quit, get fired, get laid off.  Any income that isn't passive will be up to someone else to provide and up to someone else to be taken away. 

So my life's focus now, is going to be on getting that income coming in. 

And he's going to need to step up and help with half of the housework and at least half of getting that income coming in. 

Because even with his new 'raise' he's still not making enough to cover all our bills, and so, I will still have to do freelance work. 

I cannot do freelance, 100% of the housework, the kids, the cooking, the shopping, and build up a side income that will replace what he's taking away from this family. 

If my blogging is crossing a boundary, what is it when he puts the family in last place, behind his job and his personal 'me time'?  

The worst part... there's this huge part of me that says "He's a homebody and you know it. Just let him have this, and in 6 months, this will all be over. He'll get tired of going out and he'll be back home." 

Unfortunately, we are not out of the 'woods' we've been in for the past 6 years yet, and we won't be until February.  

That's when we'll have the extra money and the extra time for free time. 

Right now, he has 1 free hour a week and he wants to spend it on and with himself, while the rest of us wait on him and mollycoddle him because oh poor him, his job is so stressful and his kids have behaviors that he has to deal with all day at work and then come home and deal with them here... 

And, in the interim, we still wait on a retro pay check that should have been here two weeks ago, but has not arrived, and he isn't calling to find out where it is. 

Any normal person would be calling every day.  He doesn't call at all.  Until I tell him to, and then I get screamed at for nagging, and I get... well, I don't want to say 'lies' but I definitely get 'stories' or what I'd even call 'half truths.' 

Supposedly the last time he called, his HR person told him 3-4 weeks. 

Then, when he tried to call her yesterday, supposedly, the story was that she didn't answer, wasn't there. 

But today, after I got completely stressed out due to financial issues that I've been working on by myself for months,  and realized that we probably weren't going to be able to give our kids much of a Christmas after all, because we're already short on bill money, I called to ask about the retro check and I got a new 'story' that the HR people were 'working on it,' they were trying to get in touch with corporate about it... 

And I'm still wondering... did he already get it and just keep it to himself? 

Because he did not take money out of the bank last Saturday as he said he did... hmmmmm

So here I am, staring at almost no money to last us the next 10 days... at Christmas time, and for all his 'goneness' from home, for all his "I'm taking this job for the family, so we can have a better base, so we can have more money...".... here I am looking at still not being able to give my kids a good Christmas, still behind on bills, and oh yea, once he leaves, not being able to give my kids a damn thing. 

In fact, I am sick and tired of hearing about how 'unhappy' he is. Too bad.  Go get on some happy pills and get some counseling and deal with it. 

I'm stressing the fuck out... I'm dealing with our credit card being cloned and canceled, bills that didn't get paid because of it, late fees I'm trying to get reversed because none of this was our fault.... two kids, one doctor's needs, one dentists needs, my own doctor's needs and costs, plus the cost of my prescriptions, making his doctors appointments for him, his prescriptions, laundry, dishes, grocery shopping, cooking, trying to find some time to get to the gym so I can try to make myself feel better, him going in at 7 or 8 am, not coming home until 8 or 10 pm, ready to eat, kids ready for bed, too late for him to go, or too early... him constantly either ignoring me or being mean to me... 

And I'm taking all this while being told how he doesn't love me, doesn't want to be with me, isn't attracted to me, doesn't want to touch me, doesn't want to be intimate with me, tells me after intimacy that he has no 'emotional connection' to me during or after it... 

I just need to break the fuck down and cry but I can't because I have to take care of EVERYTHING... while he's at work.   And 'out' doing his 'own thing.' 

I didn't want to buy the new clothes I bought.  I bought them because he complained that I wasn't taking care of myself, taking showers, changing clothes every day, and because he complained that he's told me a million times to go out and buy new clothes and I never do.  The money wasn't there.  The money wasn't there.  The. Money. Wasn't. There.  Any time there was any 'extra' money, kids needed shoes, kids needed clothes, and even if no one needed anything, don't spend it... the car could break down and we'll have to fix that. 

And he's so 'conflicted' that he says he took the job to do better, yet, he continues to always claim about how what was good enough for him as a kid should be good enough for our kids. 

He's always been perfectly happy living hand to mouth. 

But then he takes all the OT he can and this promotion, claiming that he wants 'better.' 

So who is that he wants 'better' for, because it sure isn't me and the kids, and he's made it clear that he doesn't think we deserve any 'better' than his parents and him had anyway...

So what the fuck is the fucking point?