Saturday, November 28, 2015
When does the pain stop?
I feel like someone is ripping me apart from the inside out.
This goes so far beyond the 'aching' of a breaking heart.
So far beyond 'gut wrenching' pain of simple emotional betrayal...
This is Hell.
And the only saving grace is that there is rum in it.
Honestly, if it weren't for the 4 rum and diet Pepsi's I've had today, I'm not sure I would be where I am at this moment... which amounts to "I've reached the end of my rope and now I've tied a knot and I'm just hanging on.'
And I actually think that's worse.
I want to cut the fucking rope.
This isn't worth it...
The prize isn't even promised if I make it through this fucking landmine of an obstacle course.
For all I know right now, I'm giving up everything I am, everything I believe in, and everything I hold fucking dear... for some 'reward' I may never fucking see anyway...
For I don't know how long, it's been 'all about someone else,' ... my mother, my partner, my kids, my husband...
I couldn't have held it together as well as I did today, without the rum, but even with the rum, I still broke down and I am STILL NOT GETTING WHAT *I* need from anyone.
I'm still the one who is expected to sit here and 'wait' until everyone else's needs for themselves are fulfilled with only an I.O.U. in return... and those I.O.U's keep coming from people who have destroyed their 'credit' with me.
He said "I need this"... and I said, "When do I get what I need?" and all I got was "Soon."
Well I know it will be AT LEAST 14 days, since my mom won't be taking the boys for another two weeks
But of course, it's all about him and his needs, again, right?
I am so SICK of what 'he' 'needs.'
What about what I 'need'?
I even asked him, "Well when do I get what I need?" and what I got was 'Soon.'
What the fuck is 'soon'?
For years, it's been all about 'his needs.'
None of my 'needs' have been met by him in over 5 years.
And for the past 3 months, it's been all about 'his needs.' He 'needed' this job. He 'needs' to work all these hours. He 'needed' to spend then night in a hotel in Tampa. He 'needed' to stay out until 5am last Friday night with some WHORE at a bar. His 'needs' were met, by me, two nights ago, in bed, and none of mine were... none of mine have been in the past three months.
His 'honest effort' should have been, "My wife has given a Hell of a lot, tonight, I'm going to set my needs aside for her and give her what she needs."
But as usual, my needs are insignificant.
All that matters to him, are 'his needs.'