Sunday, November 29, 2015

When do my needs get met?

That was the question on my mind last night, while my wayward husband once again, decided to 'paint the town red,' or whatever the Hell he was doing... he says he was at the drive-in movie theater and 'fell asleep' during Good Dinosaur.

But that's besides the point... at this point, I'm less concerned about his job, the woman he nearly left me for, the woman he was out until 5am last Friday night with, and where he's been or what he's been doing...

What I'm concerned about now is that I feel very close to the edge of the cliff known as "Dead Inside."

In one of yesterday's posts, I recounted the numerous list of 'his' needs that have been 'met' recently, while my own have been completely and utterly ignored.

And to add insult to injury, he doesn't make any effort whatsoever to try and meet any of my needs.

Last night, when he came home one at 1:30 in the morning. he told me (again, though he'd forgotten he'd mentioned it in the afternoon too, before he left) that he was going to go for the job he'd been planning to go for before he got offered this promotion...

When I asked "Why?" he said "Because if we're going to work this out then that's where I need to be, and if we don't work it out, I'll be making more money so I'll have more money to give to you."

Clearly, in his mind, he's still looking for the exit, and I just can't accept that as an 'honest effort.'

And I'm having a really hard time getting past what happened 'in bed' Thursday night, when I once again, tried to give him what he wanted, and was told that I would be 'used'... humiliated...  and even though I stopped that and didn't allow it, afterwards, he told me that he 'didn't feel any emotional connection to me.'

And after I let him talk, I told him how I feel about him and his 'needs'...

And all he said was "What needs do you need to have met?"

"You know the answer to that," was my answer.  And that's the truth.

And the response I got was "I'm trying."

So how's this for a better answer then...

I need you to find that emotional connection
I need to you show love to me
I need you to start meeting my needs, instead of always putting your own in front of mine

And that means if it's a Saturday night that my mom has the kids, you don't waste that precious 'us' time going out by yourself.

I've been 'cast aside' as 'less important than anything else' (including a 'job') for months... I'm done being 'cast aside.'

So after we talked, I was hungry so we went out to Waffle House.  We didn't get home util 3am and probably didn't get to sleep until at least 3:30am.

When we woke up this morning, I once again had to 'ask' him to cuddle me, which he did, but he's still not making even that much effort of his own free will, which is why I go to bed without any affection every single night.

He did go shopping with me this morning, but he was moody.  Again.  Distant.

And then, he got called in to work two hours early and had to stay an hour late, working from noon until 11pm today.

And on top of all that, he tells me that he has to have a meeting tomorrow afternoon and now I'll have to find someone to meet the youngest after school.

Then he turned around and said that he'd just come home, pick the youngest up at the bust stop and take the child back to work with him for the meeting.

And through all of this, with all I've let go, with all the concessions I've made, with all the feelings of my own that I've set aside for him and for this marriage, I simply cannot let go of what he said the other night, when he told me that he felt no emotional connection to me.

I think that was it for me.

I tried to get past it... I tried explaining to him how important this past Saturday was and how important that he put my needs for that night ahead of his own, (since his needs to go spend the night in Tampa and to stay out the week before until 5am had gotten met, ahead of my needs)... and hoped he'd finally consider my needs, but he didn't.

And when he came home, I gave him yet another chance to show something to me when I told him all of this, when I mentioned how his needs had been met but mine hadn't and he had to 'ask' what my needs are, which he damn well already knows, and even when I told him he knows, he still didn't meet them... just told me 'he's trying.'

I feel like I need to step back, or step away, or something... I just don't know how.

But I can't go through the holidays like this.

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